Salty Tears

As I was standing in front of my bathroom mirror tonight, tears spewing out of my bloodshot eyes, I realized how much my blogging has actually been a positive influence on my psyche. Afterall, I am certain my recent absence from the blogosphere was the cause of this upheaval of emotions I was now experiencing in the form of warm liquid erupting from my eyes and pooling entirely in my mouth.

I had forgotten how salty tears can taste. Ble-uck!


Just now I Googled, "tears" out of an acute curiosity as to their physical composition. Did you know that tears formed out of emotional stress contain more protein based hormones (like prolactin and Adrenocorticotropic, aka ACTH) than "regular" tears that form merely to lubricate your eyes and keep them clean from dust and other irritants? These hormones that are found in "sad" tears might look familiar to some of you, because they are usually in the first round of blood tests doctors conduct to determine potential causes of infertility. Who knew that these same hormones actually make their way into the very tears we cry over our lack, or loss, of children.

But I digress...

For me, tonight's excess prolactin and ACTH episode was most likely induced by some serious introspection. I was attempting to figure out WHY THE HELL I keep procrastinating on studying for the G**damn GRE. Of which, I am scheduled to take in less than a month. I need to re-take it because I have decided that I desperately want to get into a particular Ph.D. program and I really need to boost my scores if there is any chance of being accepted.

But! For some stupid reason I cannot bring myself to study. Also, I cannot bring myself to get ahead on school assignments. All assignments, currently, are being finished 30 seconds before I need to hit, "attach/send" to my professor. In addition, grocery shopping also seems to be a skill I am currently lacking. When I boil it all down, what I really cannot bring myself to do is ANYTHING productive! I go to class and I do the absolute-bare-minimum required. I feel like I am slowly melting (and not in a good way)...like I am folding over into myself and decaying because I am unable to remove myself from this self-preservation mode I stumbled into.

The above mentioned tear-induced introspection occurred as I was brushing my teeth. The following thoughts crept into my head, "How would I feel if I knew I was going to die tomorrow? What would I be happy/proud I've accomplished already? What would I feel deep sorrow and regret over?"

My first thought was over just how much I would miss my boyfriend. (That's when I originally felt the first explosion of moisture cascading down my cheeks.) My mind wandered through images of videotaping a special goodbye to him. What I would say...Just how grateful I am to have known him. To have been able to experience the love, honesty and tenderness that he shares with me on a daily basis. I would tell him just how selfish I really am, because I would be glad that it was me passing first. That way, I would not have had to live a day of my life without him since I knew that he existed on this earth. I would tell him just how special he truly, truly, is to me and to the world that has yet to meet him. I would tell him that he is sure to do great things. That he is sure to help many, many people.

I briefly thought about my parents and my younger sister. But I knew that they would be alright...And a few brief thoughts on things I am proud to have accomplished rushed in front of my eyes.

However, it was really the deep sorrow and regret that I just could not brush off. It crept over me in waves, like a bad horror flick on a small budget: An enormous black cloud enveloped me when I thought about just how sad I would be that I did not get to become a mother. That I never had the chance to give back love to an innocent soul. Never had the chance to teach him to be kind to animals. Never had a chance to teach her how to fight fair. I felt such a deep sense of loss, like my children suddenly would not be able to come into existence because I had failed them. I had failed my unborn. non-existent. children.

I thought about my dear boyfriend and the running list in his mind, "Rules for my unborn son." I would be so sad that his son, would not get to be my own son too. I would want to tell my boyfriend in my video how much I hope he finds a nice lady who would be such a good mother to his sure-to-be beautiful children. A pretty, sweet, intelligent and calm woman who (hopefully) had less hangups that I do, less anxiety about being liked by his parents, more wealth from the family she was raised, and she would surely LOVE to fly on airplanes and travel the globe.

I think the reason I keep procrastinating and avoiding any study time on the GRE is because it is not really what I want to do. How can you charge full speed ahead on something that is only, "Plan B?" It's pretty difficult when you keep glancing from side to side (and sometimes, 180° degrees directly behind you,) because all you freaking want is to charge full speed ahead, guns blazing, at Plan A!

Elusive. Undetermined. Previously dismantled. Plan A.