Crimson and Ether

Incognito Soapbox Confessions is a place where I seek to gain a sense of peace and understanding about myself. To document my journey in the hopes that perhaps, someone else might read it and feel that they are not alone (and not crazy) in their desires, fears and general pursuit of future motherhood.

I felt I strayed away from my original intentions of blogging and therefore decided to make a few changes to my blog.

I seek to gain more of what I originally intended for this blog. I believe the changes will encourage me to blog more often, which would be a good thing for me as I find it therapeutic.

Of these changes, the first one is that I am no longer allowing comments. Effective immediately. I plan to write an explanation tomorrow soon.

Three nights ago I had a dream that my ovaries and fallopian tubes had been scooped out of my abdomen by an unseen force and put inside of a blender. Even though the blender was outside of my body, the cutting of my organs inside of that machine felt like barbed wire being wriggled around inside of me. Once they were good and stringy, my reproductive organs were shoved back into my abdomen where I was left to deal with the psychological and physical mess.

In an attempt to escape my torment and seek help, I ran into some sort of mall or airport and found a bizarre looking bathroom with toilets that did not so much flush as they did suck the waste from you and empty it into outer space. Through the hole you could see glimpses of something resembling this:



As I stumbled towards the "toilet", my bare feet touched the cold tile floor which was covered in approximately two inches of dark murky water. I cringed in disgust at the thought of where that "water" might have leaked from.

However disgusting my feet felt, I had more pressing concerns.

I arrived at the front of the tube like structure which was designed to suck waste out and send in out into the ether. I reached inside of me and began to untangle the thick spaghetti-like mess which had previously been my reproductive organs.

Pulling everything out of my abdomen, I realized that half of the tissue was already dead and half might still be salvageable. I began to cut away the dead tissue and let the vacuum tube suck it away.

In the same manner as cutting a hangnail, occasionally I would misjudge where the dead tissue ended and the live tissue began and my abdomen would churn again with the feeling of barbed wire and a blender.

Fairly quickly, I realized that there was just too much thick-crimson-pus oozing out and falling onto the "water" covered floor.

"I need a doctor." I realized.

"I really need a doctor."