Hate Comes From Agony and Grief

"Congratulations!" she said as I was walking out the door.

In that split second afterwards, I pictured myself literally clawing her face with my finger nails. Maybe not enough to bleed. ...ok let me be honest, in that split second I wanted that bitch to die.

In that split second, I wanted her to feel the pain I felt. Some sort of twisted primal instinct of agony and grief gave me the brief desire to dream about inflicting what I felt emotionally on her physically. 

I also had the instinct to yell at her, "LISTEN TO ME YOU IGNORANT #$%&. Just because someone comes in with a hCG BETA blood work order on their lab sheet does not mean they have a healthy happy baby in their uterus. This does not fucking mean that they are over the moon, call the future grandparents, go out and fucking buy cute tiny little newborn onesies - happy. No! In the future you would be wise to SHUT THE FUCK UP as to not make the patient in front of you feel like dying, EVEN FUCKING MORE THAN SHE ALREADY DOES. Now come here - I want to claw your fucking face slightly more because I. hate. you."

But in that split second afterwards (feeling relatively emotional stable despite my morbid fantasy's), I said and did the socially appropriate thing. the thing you "do" when in polite company, I simply said, "thanks." avoided eye contact. and slunk out the door.

On the way down the stairs back to my car I reflected on my reaction. Part of me thought the responsible thing to do from a humanitarian perspective would be to go back and politely tell her why she shouldn't congratulate people when she draws their blood for hCG BETA testing. (Ya know, to spare the next woman sitting in front of her who may be in a similar situation). However, I'd just found out the day before that our precious tiny little baby was not viable, had likely died,  (I don't know which wording I am most comfortable with at this point) and I was about to miscarry. And I honestly, I just didn't have it in me to do the globally responsible thing in that moment.

We, (myself, my doctor, and my husband) are now hoping for the "best" and at this point. After only 7 days of knowing I was/am? pregnant, that means we are hoping that this blood draw will show my hCG numbers dropping.


Agony:

1 

a : intense pain of mind or body : anguish, torture

b : the struggle that precedes death

2 

a : a violent struggle or contest

Grief:
1

a : deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement

b : a cause of such suffering

2

a : an unfortunate outcome 

Hate:

1

a : intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury

b : extreme dislike or antipathy