Mostly fear.
I went though my involuntary sobbing stage the last couple days. The gut wrenching. gasping for air. wailing. that occurs when you just have no control over your emotions.
I've heard it referred to as "the ugly crying" before.
Even though I have been thinking about blogging again for some time, I couldn't bring myself to write until now.
At this point I am mostly just scared. I think being scared pushed me mostly into wanting to have a outlet again. Wanting to be able to share and communicate with people who, as they say in Texas (where we now live) "This ain't my first rodeo."
Quick thoughts on my blog this time around:
A truly honest outlet.
No holds barred.
Take no prisoners.
And this time around, I truly don't care what anyone thinks of me.
This is for myself.
This is for me, and my husband, and our future child(ren).
I need an outlet, man.
I don't know how long this will take.
I turned 30 a couple weeks ago ...little did I know I was pregnant then! :)
It might be 10 fucking years until I get to be a mother but damn-it it's going to happen.
My Doctor just called to tell me that my BETA has dropped to 250 and I should pretty much be expecting the miscarriage anytime now.
After my appointment yesterday when it was fairly clear that I would miscarry...
(boy what phrasing, huh?! Let's fucking shoot whoever came up with that shit. "I would miscarry." I guess I could say, "I would have a miscarriage."
Talk about blaming language.
I want to have no part in this miscarriage.
I want none of it.
I want a do-over.
I want a time machine.
I want to go back and un-do whatever went wrong and make it right.
make it work.
make it okay.
make my heart not hurt anymore.
make that embryo/product of conception - whatever the hell you want to call it - not die.
I want to make my baby not die).
...I researched the crap out of miscarriage. "What to expect" and "How to prepare emotionally" and let me tell you, those stories I read - each personal tragedy, is the stuff that horror is made from.
Based on my highest hCG number, 388, I'm guessing I made it to around 4-5 weeks before the embryo/our baby, stopped growing. So I'm preparing myself for what my Doctor described as a "heavier than normal period."
But I'm scared.
It's a weird feeling to be waiting for that.
Ya know, be waiting to have a miscarriage.
In my research I read that pads are better to use than tampons because of the risk of infection, but so far I have yet been to be able to drive to the store and buy them.
I told myself on the way home from work today that I would buy them.
But for some reason, my car just drove by all the stores on the way home and didn't stop at a single one.
The same thing happened after I walked the dogs tonight, I was going to go to the store and buy some.
But here I am sitting on the couch with not a store in sight.
Strange.
Denial, perhaps?
A similar thing happened when I wanted to ask my doctor about pain relievers, "What should I take for any pain?" But the words could not find their way out.
I almost feel like I have to, I don't know, suffer through it?
Sounds strange to say, but I think that's where my twisted mind is at right now.
Some sort of guilt that I cannot exactly pin point was blocking the words from coming out of my mouth.
I feel mad.
ashamed.
guilty.
sad.
depressed.
sick.
hurt.
embarrassed.
I am scared of this impending, inescapable experience.
I want to be like those people who get a positive pregnancy test and they get to immediately call their families and friends because you know, they're pregnant! Ta da! And that's that. And nothing ever goes wrong.
And they go through their whole pregnancy happy and content because everything's fine. duh!
...And they're never the wiser.
Fear:
1
a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
b (1) : an instance of this emotion (2) : a state marked by this emotion
2
a : anxious concern 
