Sweet Baby Girl

In the last few months, I've been having very vivid dreams. When I wake from them, I am usually disturbed and lie awake for hours as my mind races trying to make sense of it all. I'm disturbed that my brain can come up with such awful things. I'm also disheartened when I realize how deeply the conflict in my life has been, and still, effects me. I want so badly to know what the dreams mean. And most of all, how to stop them from happening.

(Note: This dream is not really disturbing. It was one of those dreams that would only freak you out if it was happening to you. So, if you're squeamish (like I am) feel free to keep reading. I seriously doubt this text would freak you out in any way.)

Last night I had a dream that I was holding a newborn baby girl in my arms. I think she had a white frilly dress on, and was swaddled in a white blanket. She was tiny and oh-so-cute. I remember her lips were puckered and bright pink. And she had the smallest nose I'd ever seen.




For some reason, (you know how dreams go...) I realized that we needed to find somewhere to sit down. So we found a bench in the back of a store where we were surrounded with racks and racks of clothes. Then I realized that we needed to sit down because it was time to breastfeed the baby. For me, to breastfeed the baby. (Clearly, this blog has had a profound effect on my psyche because I've never dreamed about breastfeeding before. It's as if allowing my brain to blog about these secret desires of mine has somehow also allowed my thoughts to travel to places that they just would never have dared to explore before.)

So, we're sitting in the back of the store, with me breastfeeding this baby in my arms. I'm very happy at this point in the dream because I got the baby to get a good latch for the first time, by myself. (In real life I've never breastfeed, ever. But I use to work in a maternity ward so I'm very familiar with the process.) Then I realized that there's been someone sitting with us the whole time inside the store. I couldn't tell who it was for sure, but I think it was my boyfriend. Whoever it was, he was peaceful and calm and basically irrelevant to what was happening, but I thought I should make note that there was someone else present.

I looked down at the little girl in my arms and she was sleeping peacefully. A second later, I quickly looked over my right shoulder because I felt like something was not quite right. We were somehow in danger. When I looked back to check on the little girl in my arms, she was gone. In her place, was some sort of nasty black sludge. Like a disgusting thick black slime. I squeeze it, and it oozes through my fingers. It is nasty and vile. I am scared and worried.

I quickly realized that the little baby died and dissolved into that black sludge. And, I, am the one who killed her because I looked away from her for that one split second. She died and dissolved into the black tar that was oozing through my fingers.

Anyone have and ideas as to what this dream could mean?

I'm not sure if there is enough money and/or time in the universe that would get me enough therapy to stop all of this. Why can't I just be a happy, carefree, graduate student?