"Disclaimer: This ride could suck. It could be so bad, you wished it sucked."
If God staffed attorneys, I envision this would be among the disclaimers in the miles of pre-birth paperwork individual souls signed before their dramatic entrances on earth. Another line (I'm just sure) those attorneys slipped in, is:
“Some of you will be given a compass upon your entrance to earth (your 'compass status' will be chosen entirely at random.) If you are so lucky to receive a compass, please note: Life will almost certainly flip you over, spin you around 754 degrees, grab your compass, bury it in the middle of the desert, turn around, knock you down, and then - when you are lying on the ground (dazed and confused) - Life will kick you a few times for good measure.
Be forewarned, if you should ever retrieve your compass from the desert, Life reserves every right to smash it with a hammer...”
Be forewarned, if you should ever retrieve your compass from the desert, Life reserves every right to smash it with a hammer...”
I have been extremely busy lately, struggling to hang in there during the home stretch of this semester's class work. Deadlines for three large projects looming at the beginning of next week. Next Friday, I am scheduled to take the GRE for the second time. However, I have not spent nearly enough time studying for it, so most likely my scores will be the same (or worse...maybe they will go down.)
This is disappointing to me, because after I figured a few things out, my head has been a little
But then, life has its own ideas about the way things should go...
My roommate called me today while I was at the grocery store. And though she had been cautiously optimistic that her battle with Ovarian Cancer was behind her, today she received some unwanted news from her Oncologist.
For most other concerns, I am usually a good person for others to talk with when they are feeling down or confused. I have been told that I am approachable, kind and comforting. I feel that people think these things about me because I (usually) can find ways to relate with them over what they are going through. But I DO NOT RELATE WITH CANCER. I do not relate to living with a disease that might kill me. I do not relate with all of the internal conflicts and fears that must go along with that disease. And I cannot begin to guess how different types of cancers cause their own distinct intricacies. I know enough, to know, that people with cancer do not want to hear that I "understand." Because I do not understand.
In the time that I have known her, I have tried to be sensitive to the fact that her ovarian cancer took her ovaries away from her, as well as the possibility of having a biological child. I even took the extra step of keeping my feminine hygiene products out of sight in the bathroom cabinet, because I know (sometimes) small things like that, still sting for her.
One night, not too terrible long ago, I even thought about telling her about this blog. But then, knowing that if she was not in just the right mood, she might feel defensive and say (or think,) "Well, at least you still have your ovaries!" And she is right. I do. I am not entirely sure they are functional, but at least I still have them.
I feel like cancer is similar to infertility in the way that some people try to be sensitive, but really do not understand: When women "whine" about their pregnancy, or "complain" about those four long months it took them to conceive little Billy, it is like a punch to the gut of the woman with infertility. Or, when people suggest to a woman struggling to conceive that she "just adopt..." Well, do not get me started. Apples to oranges. It is not the same. Infertility is a concept I can relate to. And even though I have no direct experience with the feelings that hit you every "failed" month, I am prepared for the road ahead of me.
Because of my familiarity with the insensitivity of persons speaking about infertility, I do not want to be like those people who suggest inappropriate/insensitive things.
And since I am a research freak, I have done a fair bit of reading tonight online about, "how to help a friend when they have cancer." But it does not really apply to me/us. I have not known my roommate long. We met through Craigslist last August when she needed to rent one of the rooms in her two-bedroom apartment. We mainly connect on the issues of wanting children and politics. That is pretty much it. We have never really hung out outside of our house. Our schedules are different and she is not really around when I am at home. I left a message on her voicemail earlier to tell her I would be at the library working late (um...yes, I am working now...just not on what I am suppose to be working on...crap.) But on her voicemail, I did the one thing all of my online sources advice against doing. I left a general statement of, "Let me know if there is anything I can do..."
Blah.
I am suppose to offer something specific in order to help her. Not a general offer. Why does cancer make people crazy? Why does cancer turn usually competent and considerate people into self-preserving ding bats?
If you have advice on ways to help a roommate out who is living with Ovarian Cancer, please fill me in. I am not sure where this journey is going to take us.
I really wish I had my compass back.
Sincerely,
Ding Bat Suzanne
There are many experiences out there that we can't relate to. I think when it comes to these things people don't necessarily want answers...they want a shoulder to cry on...or someone to just be there for them. They want to know that you are comfortable if they want to talk. I know with my m/c people shy away sometimes when I bring it up...personally I feel that I bring nit up because I am healing and ignoring it doesn't help. I think the fact that you want to help is a huge first step.
ReplyDeleteI think there are a lot of experiences in life that we may not understand...and when we go through them ourselves we will be around others who dont. I think when you are going through them you don't necessarily want answers..or a way to "fix" things. You just want a shoulder to cry on. When I went through my m/c some people shied away from me when I tried to talk about it...it made it worse b/c talking about it helped me. But then there were those that said "at least it was early" or "just try to relax" and those supposed words of wisdom didn't help. I think the best thing is that you WANT to help. Maybe ask how you could???
ReplyDeleteI wish I could help you. As a person whose father passed away from cancerI felt like I should be able to help, but other than letting her know that you're there in case she wants to talk about it or to talk about anything but "it", I'm not really sure what you should do.
ReplyDeleteI'm useless... but I just wanted to let you know I'm reading!
I dont think there is any specific way you can go about helping her. Cancer, and the reaction to it, is completely different for each and every person so for some website to publish a list of things you should or shouldnt do is just stupid.
ReplyDeleteI suffered from depression and related mental disorders for many years and i think its kind of the same - people want to help but they dont want to wound you anymore than your already hurting. Sometimes a simple " Hey, i'm here, even if you just wanna sit in silence " is amazingly helpful...
Hi! Just found your blog on 20sb.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right about the insensitivity some people have. I am always afraid to say something inappropriate around people who are going through a difficult period in their lives.
I guess the best anyone can do in your situation is to let her know that you understand that you'll never be able to understand what she is going through but that You are there for Her.
http://www.thewannabewahm.com
Hey Amy,
ReplyDeleteSure, there's no, "one size fits all" method for supporting friends with various illnesses. However, I just wanted to clarify that in my "research" I consulted far more than one source in my quest to discover the most appropriate approach. And while I was mainly looking for advice on what NOT to do/say, I was lucky because all of the sources give very similar advice. For example, "Do not ask, 'how are you feeling?'" That's like a punch to the gut of someone undergoing chemo. That was particularly helpful advice because I often ask, "How are you feeling?" As a default question.
-Suzanne