I am so tired of shying away from infants in social situations. This is a very recent occurrence in my life and I am, frankly, NOT A FAN. Give me a child (or a dog,) and I am usually perfectly happy in any random social situation. I absolutely Love. Love. Love. children. However, recently I have somehow given the impression to people that I no longer like children!?!?
They have this impression of me, because they have noticed I am no longer my typical self around children. I have changed. And I know this. And it makes me sad. I am now scared that if I hold an infant or interact too much with a child, the desire to be a mom will once again swell up inside of me like some evil character in a Disney movie. I'm picturing Ursula from The Little Mermaid rising up over the ship in an attempt to drown Ariel using her enormous tentacles. Well, I don't want Ursula crashing my perfectly sailing ship which is currently on course to finish her Ph.D. application so it can be sent in by January 1st!
I Just Want One.
I JUST WANT ONE!
Gosh-darn-it-Ursula. Just leave me alone! Please!
I don't want to feel that pain anymore. Not now! Not when I am 26-years-old. Unmarried. And in Graduate School. Did I mention I was unmarried? Yeah, um...kind of important.
My wonderful-caring-charming-grounded-sensitive-loving and doting boyfriend is almost exactly 4.5 years younger than me. Still in college. And we are nowhere near the marriage point.
And by nowhere near, I should clarify. We talk about it - marriage - all the time. We have a pretty good idea as to where we will get married (a house which belongs to his family in New York). We have a rough idea of when that will be (approx two years from now). We frequently talk about how excited we are to be future parents. He tells me what a good mother I will be. I tell him that he will most likely win father of the year 18 years in-a-row (At least!). We have even discussed how we should tell our past co-workers when we become engaged (we met working for the same...company...) We have also briefly discussed the fact that I am not-so-hot on diamonds in a ring, and I would prefer to go with a blue sapphire.
The most discouraging fact for me is that we also have a, shall I say, "tentative?" time line in mind for finally becoming parents.
Five years.
Five years from now.
Am I crazy? Have I already gone insane?
What kind of new millennium mid-twenties girl goes into a quasi-panic-attack every time she is around a baby...because she's not sure how much it will hurt once she is finally able to cradle them in her arms?
All I have ever wanted in life is to be a mother.
...I guess I am still not sure how to continue marching on, when all I really want is plan A.
awww your post reminds me of me! My husband is 1 year younger than me...and I had to wait for him to finish college, go to law school and pass the Bar exam before we got married...but that whole time I had to wait to reach my goal of becoming a mom. My advice is to try to focus on the greatness right in front of you...enjoy your future engagment, then wedding planning then your wedding! Those are some REALLY wonderful times!
ReplyDeleteLove Blue Sapphire, a Judge I used to work with had a blue sap for a wedding ring, gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteThanks for adding my button, I've added yours right back. I've also added you to my blogroll!
:( maybe easing into being around kids would make it better. if you spend a little bit of time with/around children, maybe the ache wont be as bad as you think.... i guess i've told myself enough times that one day i will get to hold my own baby that im less freaked out about holding other people's kids now. "one day" keeps my uterus in check ;)
ReplyDeleteAwww, all in time :-)
ReplyDeleteMy friend who has kids always tells me, "Enjoy the time you have now, you will really miss it when you have kids" haha.
xo.
Sounds like when that time comes, you will be an awesome mother!