Big Whopping Regrets

Today I realized how emotionally absent I have been on this particular visit. I have been so preoccupied with projects. One. after. another. after. another.

When I arrived here mid-December I had to finish three large papers due before the end of the semester which basically monopolized all my time. Since Christmas, I have been preoccupied with my freaking Ph.D. application that is consuming my life. And through all of this, I was never truly successful in living for the moment.

This realization has made me really sad. I look back on the missed opportunities I passed up.

For Example, dinner over at my sister's house with my parents: I just did not go because I was "working" on my application. I really did work on it, but now looking back on the way I used my time that night, I could have certainly taken the time and spent it with my family.

And the one thing that positively breaks my heart when I look back on it: My dad invited me to see the movie "Avatar" with him, my mom, and my sister. He apparently thought I said "Yes," originally, (he does not have the best hearing these days...) because when it was time to leave he looked positively heartbroken after he saw I was still in my pajamas and had no intention of going. Once again, I said I could not go because I was "working" on my freaking Ph.D. application.

When I saw how disappointed he was, I should have thrown on clothes and gone with them, but I did not. And I heartbreaking-ly regret that now. Unfortunately, I think it will be one of those regrets that I look back on when he is gone and I will just sob my eyes out. Just like I am right now. Oh, if you could only see my snot-covered-sleeve...

(What?! You don't wipe your nose/eyes with your sleeve when you are alone and balling your eyes out? Oh. Well...does it make any difference that I try and keep the snot section separated from the tears section?)

I guess I forgot that I want to make family a priority for me. Even though my parents did not set a good example for me growing up, I forgot that I decided I would be different. I have been so obsessed with focusing on the future for myself and my non-existent-children, that I forgot about the family I have now. The family that may, or may not, be around for too much longer. The family that not only knows my history, but is my history.

It is so hard truly living in the moment.

I wish I had done better.

I guess it is good that I realized my mistakes now, before I have flown back "home." That way I can do better these last few days.

(Is it home here? Or there?
The last few years, neither location has really felt like "home."
What happened?
Where did it go?)



Remembering what is truly important...