Anger. Hostility. Rage.

Amy asked me a few weeks ago if Andrew was planning to move-in with me since my roommate moved out.

Great question. Loaded, tricky and unpleasant. But a great question none-the-less. Also, a subject I had been meaning to write about for several weeks. Funny considering my lovey-dovey post yesterday...but no, no, as far as I know I am not bipolar. ;) I still love Andrew to death. And he is still the kindest gentlest guy around.

I suppose the best place to start is back at the beginning:

The day after Christmas, my (now ex-)roommate called me at my parents house in California to let me know she had decided she was moving-in with her family. While I was sad to hear she was leaving, it was not exactly a shock. It was a logical, rational decision as far as I was concerned. So expected, that I was only surprised she had not arrived at that conclusion earlier.

When Patty called, she was semi-excited to tell me because she thought that Andrew might want to move-in and take over her lease. "You two are so close." She said. "I know you have been talking about moving in together next August, so why don't you just bump it up a few months?"

The idea was something I had been secretly and very selfishly been thinking about for a few weeks. After I learned that Patty's cancer had spread the idea of her staying in our house seemed ridiculous as the rent and burden of having to continue working seemed overwhelming. So I definitely admit the idea of Patty moving out and Andrew moving-in had popped into my selfish little brain more than a few times before.

Therefore, as soon as I got off of the phone with Patty, I called Andrew who was on vacation with his family in New Hampshire. I told him that Patty was moving out and we would be looking to find someone to take over her lease starting March 1st. (Note: Patty ended up moving out earlier because her treatment was not going as well as they originally hoped.)

Andrew sounded happy on the phone. He said he would call me back when he got a chance to slip away from his family and we could talk more. When he called me back hours later he said, in no uncertain terms, that moving-in together now was not an option for him. Because....



Because....




Because.....

HE WOULDN'T HAVE A PLACE TO PARK
HIS CAR
IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE!




His CAR.





His CAR!!!!!!

Because Andrew's license plates are from out-of-state, and I live in an urban area where you need a residential parking permit to park, Andrew would have nowhere to park unless he switched his plates over. (Something I have been telling him he should do for months. Therefore, it was already a huge source of bitterness for me.)

I tried to play it off at the time like it didn't bother me. I tried to pretend that I understood. But for someone who usually moves mountains to make things work for us, I just did not understand why he was so easily deterred. So ready to give up. It felt like he had literally slapped me in the face.

I was so crushed.

If he just did not want to move-in with me now, that would be one thing. But he was letting a fixable situation be the reason. He was letting his freaking car dictate our future.

The situation ate at me for weeks.

I tried not to bring up it. But inevitably it slipped out in my bitter comments regarding his less-than-stellar current living situation,

"Well if you lived with me, your kitchen stuff would actually be clean when you wanted to use it because I actually clean-up after myself!"


"Oh really? You hate your roommate?!
Well, if you lived with me, you wouldn't have to return home to find your front door wide open and no one home...Later to find out that your idiot roommate was in such a hurry when she left that she forgot to close the door!
BECAUSE, GUESS WHAT!?
I know how to shut an f***ing door!"

Needless to say, I had a large wad of hostility aimed straight at his head.

Unfortunately that wad spewed out at him whenever he said anything about his house, or my house. As it turns out, I also had a great deal of hostility building up towards his father too (who, come to find out, had actually led him to decide on the idea that moving-in with me would be too much of a "hassle" because he would have to switch his license plates!)

I am too much of a hassle?! A "hassle?!"

Dear god Andrew. Just tell me that you are seeing someone else! Tell me that you have decided you never want to live with me or marry me! Please please, please, please do not let me think that I am just too much of a hassle for you!

Finally, in one large argument a week-or-so ago, the truth finally came out. Over about a three hour time period Andrew realized,

"I think I am just scared to move-in with you now.
I am so sorry I made it to be about my car. It is so not about the car.
Oh gosh. I am so sorry. Please, please forgive me."

Phew. Finally.

That is a perfectly reasonable, understandable and commendable answer.

I just knew that it couldn't be about the F-ing car.



So, to answer Amy's original question:

Andrew is not moving-in with me because he is scared and not quite ready for that, yet.

Not a problem.

Not a problem, at all.

I would wait years and years and years and years and years for that handsome man.

In the meantime I, clearly, have my own issues to work on. For example: Anger. Hostility. Rage. And expressing feelings and emotions in less hurtful words than I currently resort to. I know it is not my fault for learning to deal with my emotions in this manner, growing up it was just the way that my family resolved conflict. However, it is my fault if I continue to do so with Andrew. He never yells and rarely raises his voice to me.

He deserves to be treated with just as much respect as he shows me.

Has your man ever tried to redirect a situation away
from his fear of commitment?
If so, what did he make the issue about instead?

Have you had to change ways you communicate as an adult because you came from a family, or had bad habits, that were not exactly functional?