Breath in...and out. In...and out.

The following is a response to a comment made by Danielle yesterday.
I thought that her insight was so poignant that I just had to post my response so the whole wide world could also read:

Danielle,

So true! So. SO. True. You might just be inside my head!

A mantra I repeat to myself over and over in cases similar to these is:

"He's not trying to hurt you, he's just trying to help."

I did not have much emotional support from my parents growing up. As an adult I have realized that the coping skills I developed because of my earlier life experiences are downright harmful if my goal is to establish and carry out a healthy long-term relationship.

If my goal were, say...to live in a cave all alone for the rest of my life, my communication and coping skills might suit me just fine.

"Me want food. These my berries."

A few things I have discovered:

I have realized that I often push Andrew away when I need him the most. I learned as a child that if I rely on someone it will spell disaster when I need them and they aren't there. (And they WON'T be there!) So I unconsciously decided that it is just better to force things into being as I want them and do things ALL ON MY OWN!

But Andrew IS there. He is always there. And I want him to be there.

"He's not trying to hurt you, he's just trying to help...

He's not trying to hurt you, he's just trying to help."

Over and over and over again...

It is a constant struggle to reconfigure my previous perceptions about the world and relationships.

When we first met, poor Andrew had to quickly learn my less functional form of communication. A communication which basically boiled down to: talking loudly over the other person until they gave up. (Note: Not Helpful!) While he did, learn it, he never partook in it. He merely waited until I was finished ranting and expressed his feelings about me talking (loudly) over him...

I have also had to learn that he is not out to "make me wrong" when he brings up...well pretty much anything.

The idea that someone is "making me wrong" stems from the way my parents communicate with each other. In their conversations it is clearly always the other person's fault. Although they are still technically married and live together today, my parents spent the majority of my adolescence life separated and living miles apart from each other (from the time I was 13 years old until I was 20.) Therefore, this idea that Andrew is trying to "make me wrong" still remains a facet of my communication and could use some serious work.

Him: "Hey babe, can we take our shoes off in the house from now on?"

Me: "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. Did I track mud all over your house? Gosh, I am such an idiot. Here, let me mop for you."

Meanwhile, he will just be standing and staring at me while I fumble about apologizing all over the place for doing something I actually didn't do.

Him: "Suzanne, honey. You did not do anything. We are just taking our shoes off in the house from now on, okay?"

And even though I hear his words, I still feel like I did something wrong. That is when (if I remember) I say that little mantra...and it helps! I have told Andrew about my little mantra, so sometimes he reminds me too. When he does, that also helps.

As for the, "festering hurt wound that has already happened..." Lol. Fantastic phasing, by-the-way Danielle!

It might sound weird or simply untrue, but as soon as he told me that he was really just scared, I felt a sense of peace. I completely believed him. It all suddenly made sense. I feel like the effects of blasting through this little hurdle has made us stronger as a couple. I also feel like Andrew grew a lot as a person as he worked through this issue. It was a valuable discovery process for him as he delved inside himself to see if it was really about the car.

Thanks to Danielle for the fabulous insight!